You Might Also Like
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.