My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
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[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
“i am a sweet baby”
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.