a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
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DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.