Every time.
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I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.