I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
You Might Also Like
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
🐕🍷
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*