Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
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I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
HER: [parallel parking] i鈥檓 so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it鈥檚 not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you鈥檙e still folding all this laundry.
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 馃槙
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
police: what are your names?
caspar: don鈥檛 tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.