[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
You Might Also Like
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!