my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
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I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
I created you as mosquito food.
Go girl power!
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
That’s amazing.
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.