Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
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Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
Just got to our Airbnb!
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.