Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
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If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.