If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
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peak technology
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.