I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
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My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
I am HOWLING at this
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi