Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
You Might Also Like
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
Warm pools make me nervous.
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.