This is true.
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Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
Unexpected Judgment
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.