A family that plays together cheats.
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-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
Is anyone gonna tell them?
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name