I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
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if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
Breaking news:
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
time machine? you mean a clock?
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
We’ve all been there
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat