Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
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Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
the council will decide your fate
Hey I worked for it too!
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark