[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
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Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
Breaking news:
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY