Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
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Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector