Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
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*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.