Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
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Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta