Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
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I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?