I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
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[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out