Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
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Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
The A string on my guit_r is flat
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?