Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
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“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
we all know this pain all too well
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.