me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
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my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.