most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
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DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.