Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
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i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
Dammit Chief not again
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food