The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
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Smile Twitter, Smile.
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you