[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
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Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.