1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
You Might Also Like
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
Has there ever been a more American story?
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.