I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
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Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
turning my gender off to conserve energy
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.