GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
You Might Also Like
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”