Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
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Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
When you “pspspsp” too hard
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.