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If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.