There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
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Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
Well, that didn’t work.
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.