At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
You Might Also Like
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you