Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
You Might Also Like
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.