me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
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*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
If snakes were wide
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
He just like my cat fr
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?