Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
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gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015