I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
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I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
the way this pissed me off… 😭
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!