*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
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I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing