Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
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My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.