If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
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My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame