[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
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[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
The answer is funnier than the question
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
our love story in four pictures
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy