At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
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6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
Breakfast for Stoners:
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
Friends that check up on you >
Haha! 😂
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.