Would you wear it?
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Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
Hey I worked for it too!
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
i would wish you the best but i am the best
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*