“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
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Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
The Sun
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?