I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
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Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.