7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
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I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
I’m pretty like a car crash.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
What a website
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again